But it was cute, and light, and pretty clothes, and so very, very short, that it worked.
So then they made a movie, and it was too long and the clothes weren't as nice. And then, because of money and nostalgia, they made another movie, and it was way, way too long, and the clothes were almost without exception complete crap!
They forgot to learn their lesson the first time! Or during the six year run of the original series!
I watched the whole thing, though. Because, accidentally, it was amazing! It blew my mind! My mind was so blown that my head started to hurt!
Things that blew my mind in Sex and the City 2:
1) It starts out, all the ladies go to a beautiful wedding inspired by money and nostalgia. It's a wedding for two boys, so everyone makes jokes about how weird and “other” gay guys are – but that's ok, because they all have friends that are gay! But Kristen Davis makes a face, and tells everyone to shut the hell up. For a second, you the audience at home are like, Oops! – but then an actor playing a homosexual steps into frame and makes another gay joke. Never mind! Everyone laughs!
2) At the wedding officiated by Liza Minelli, Liza Minelli sings “Single Ladies!” And she dances really, really well! And her legs are so amazing! That part blew my mind in a great way! I'm going to watch that part again!
3) Everyone is happy! Now what? How about a deus ex machina?! So some girl comes up to Sarah Jessica Parker and says, like a creep, “I've read all your books! I really think I'm you!” Then, without segue, she asks if Sarah Jessica Parker would like the number for her surrogate pregnancy place. What? Why is the girl using a surrogacy place? She's like 25. Is that a thing now for rich people? Why? is that really a thing, or is that a lazy deus ex machina thing? That's so weird! And why did she bring that up? She finally meets her favorite sex columnist in the whole world and that's what she wants to talk about? Wait, is this going to turn into a SWFish thriller? Is she going to steal Sarah Jessica Parker's DNA and put it in a surrogate lady she's trapped in a basement?
No, that is not what is going to happen. What is going to happen is that the movie, much like the show, is going to purport to try to answer a question (What do you do with your life when you decide not to have kids?), but will instead answer an incredible vague question (What should I do when I feel crazy because I'm getting old and what is life all about?) with a generic answer (Make your own rules!).
4) Now all the ladies feel old. So they have brunch, and decide to talk about what keeps them young. It turns out, what keeps them young is jokes from a long time ago. Thighmaster! Vitamins! Spanx!
5) There's a Jude Law nanny joke. That is so old!
6) Cynthia Nixon's husband says, You should quit your job, so Cynthia Nixon quits her job. Which is crazy! Every single Miranda episode of the show was about the fact that that character hates her job but refuses to quit her job. Her mom died and she only took one day off! She broke up with everyone she dated because her terrible job came first! She had a kid and didn't take maternity leave! Her husband cheated on her because she worked too much at the job that made her crazy unhappy! Her only character trait, besides Red Hair, was Hates Her Job but Won't Quit It! But suddenly, she does, and it's fine.
7) Kristen Davis hires a nanny who's like a D-cup and she doesn't wear a bra and she keeps jumping up and down! I know this scene was for people's boyfriends, and to help the lady audience feel as insecure as the lady characters, but it just looked so painful! Stop jumping, D-cup nanny!
8) The lady from Mannequin's boyfriend from the last movie calls while she's masturbating in her office in front of her female secretary, of course. He says he's in Abu Dhabi to shoot a movie poster. And suddenly the movie has nothing left to do with reality. Unless Abu Dhabi is where they keep all the Photoshops.
9) Sarah Jessica Parker's husband buys her an expensive TV for their anniversary and mounts it so that it doesn't pull focus from the room she put so much time in decorating. He says it's so they can watch old romantic movies together. Awww! Wait, oops! That makes Sarah Jessica Parker so mad!
10) Sarah Jessica Parker's husband brings home take-out after work one day. That makes Sarah Jessica Parker so mad! She says, “Wait, you got take-out?” Then she storms out.
11) Sarah Jessica Parker continually refers to the loveseat in their apartment as a couch. It is maybe not technically a loveseat, but it is probably also not technically a couch. It is like at a point equidistant from how long a couch should be and how long a loveseat should be. I got distracted by this for a few minutes.
12) Penelope Cruz shows up at a fancy party. She works in a bank.
This movie makes me sleepy!
13) It turns out, Sarah Jessica Parker still pays rent on her old apartment, even though she now lives in what looks like a 3br/1.5ba. How much money do sex columnists make?
14) Just before bed, Sarah Jessica Parker likes to wear two bras and a negligee to brush her teeth.
15) Some VIP from Abu Dhabi meets the girl from Mannequin for about two seconds and immediately invites her to stay in his mansion with her friends, whom he hasn't met, at a time when he won't be there.
16) The girl from Mannequin shows up in the Middle East wearing a glitter turban and gold harem pants.
17) The girl from Mannequin sees an attractive guy and says, “Lord of the cute!” I forgot how weird the girl from Mannequin was.
18) So all the ladies are in Abu Dhabi, which is in the desert. They all wear the ugliest haute couture they can find to the outdoor market. Then, they're about to ride camels! So they have their servants set up a tent so they can change. Into even fancier dresses. None of which are attractive.
19) The girl from Mannequin sees an attractive guy and says, “Lawrence of my labia!”
There was some other stuff, but by the like thirtieth vaudeville aside from the girl from Mannequin, my head felt fuzzy and I kind of checked out. I snapped back together for the big save:
20) So the girl from Mannequin is going to get everyone killed because a hot flash made her start screaming and throwing condoms at everyone in the market. The people are so mad! But then the good women of Abu Dhabi save the Sex and the City ladies? They say, That's alright! Then everyone bonds over a shared love of Suzanne Sommers's nonsense vitamin cure for aging?
Then it ends! And I take an Ibuprofen and go to sleep.
