Kristen Stewart, An Apology

So we saw "Twilight" a while back. It was pretty hilarious. The best, as everyone already knows, is where Kristen Stewart walks into the science classroom and there's a well-placed fan, so her hair's all, AHHH! And she walks to her seat, and her mouth IS ALWAYS OPEN, and Kristen Stewart's gay boyfriend's like, SUPER COLD TO HER EVEN THOUGH SHE IS SOOOO HOTTTT??? And then she keeps her mouth open, because it is ALWAYS OPEN, and then she sort of salivates and moves her tongue around lustily inside her mouth, and lustily up against her teeth, while her tongue glistens inside her mouth, glistens with saliva and lust, and we were like, TOO MUCH MOUTH SCIENCE!

And then I saw that children on the internet had also noticed that Kristen Stewart, who is probably filed under "Rosetta Stone" in Paul Ekman's My Documents, has problems expressing emotion with the parts of her face that are not her open mouth. One internet person, who should have been doing her pre-calc and studying hard for her spring formal, did this, instead:



Which is not nearly as interesting as this, which, presumably, is the work of a separate internet person who has allowed her love of Jesus Christ to lapse in favor of thinking hard about Kristen Stewart:



Indeed, Kristen Stewart does appear to have the ability to close her mouth.

But then, yesterday, I saw "Adventureland." It is the kind of movie that makes forty-five-year-old movie critics say things like, "Yes, you've seen much of it before... But Stewart makes you care anyway. This, folks, is an actress" in response to this:



But then, during the seven minutes I gave a shit about Kristen Stewart and the great Open Mouth: Sexy or Creepy? debate, which occured about halfway through "Adventureland," around the time it was becoming clear that it's not ok to make fun of Kristen Stewart because there is clearly something wrong with her mouth function... and then I accidentally googled "kristen stewart mouth problem?" you know, just to see, and up came this page, at igossip.com.

"Kristen Stewart has a serious problem! *see photos this page

"Here is a photo of Kristen from when she filmed Twilight vs. how she looks now on Eclipse (pic with hat on). At the risk of being mean, something is wrong with Kristen.



"She looks so changed and has gained weight lately. This is highly strange considering that her looks are very important to her career and getting a chance to act in the future. Something is up with her and the warning signs are there.

Is anyone looking out for her?"

It was at this point that I realized, Kristen Stewart's mouth problem was always only subterfuge. Robert Pattinson's hair was always the interesting one.





SO INTERESTING!!! I can't wait to pay actual dollars to see him on the big screen!

DVD: "The Informant!"

Matt Damon's Mark "Corky" Whittaker is a happy, lucky, corporate guy. Colorful ties, tan suits. In his dealings with other people, Whittaker is affable, agreeable, persuasive. In his head, however, there's a running, diarrhetic stream of interesting ice-breakers he never uses; he's too familiar with the way conversations with his Boss, his Co-workers, even his Wife, should conform to really let himself go. (At one point, Whittaker thinks, "Polar bears cover their noses before they pounce on a seal. How do polar bears know their noses are black? Did they look in the water one day, see their reflection and say, ‘Man, I’d be invisible if it wasn’t for that thing'... That's a lot of thinking for a bear".)He's a creative guy, very interested in the details of what's going on around him; these, too, he keeps to himself, to his own eventual detriment.



Soderberg's "The Informant!" views Whittaker as a pathologically splintered individual. It's not until his job forces him to take on a third self, however, that his world begins to tip its axis. The film is the true story of a guy who, for no explicitly discernible reason, decided one day to expose his company's crimes, and then set out to single-handedly gather all of the intelligence needed to do so. Whittaker spied on and taped his bosses and the bosses of several other companies for two and a half years. In that time, he lost his ability to maintain an idea of objective reality.

But the character's reality too closely mirrors "real" reality for others to view him as suffering from "real" mental illness. Because he presents well, appears (for the most part) happy and engaged, and seems to mostly know what he's doing, we buy him as a "regular guy."

It isn't until a third or so of the way into the movie that it becomes clear that Whittaker's completely bonkers. He lies all the time, to everyone he comes into contact with, about everything, even when there's no reason to lie. The anecdote about the magazine story about the polar bear? Think about it for a second. He's lying to himself!

Whittaker's story could've gone tragic, or even tragicomic. But it didn't! It stays true to where its protagonist's at, and is a pretty happy little movie.

Thank you, nice movie! Smiley emoticon here!

Lost: The End

I am very proud of my Fruedian unconscious today, because last night, I had a dream where I figured out how they would tie up all the mysteries of "Lost." There was a narrative arc and everything! In my "Lost" dream, this is what happens:

First, the Muppets finally realized that the statue had been destroyed.



They were mad.



So they all came down to the island, wearing chain-mail. Not scary chain-mail, just Muppet chain-mail. And maybe they had a flag. And they were like, "Hey you guys! You broke our statue! And that was the only thing holding the moon in place!"



So then the moon fell down.



And then the Muppets got out of the spaceship and swam with the dolphins!



And probably sang the moon song:



But with the dolphins!

Because that is the only way to end "Lost" that would not make me really really up-tight about all the time I've wasted trying to make the mysteries add up and watching new mysteries appear and reading about how they're not going to tie up all the loose ends! If you're not going to tie up all the loose ends, just bring in the deus ex Muppets! Then everyone's happy :)

Anthropologie Spring 2010 cataVOMIT

Anthropologie's buyers have, this season, banked on the public's willingness to believe that The 80s Are Tacky Are IN, No Matter What. Welcome to Bizarro (UGLY) world:



Egregious. I mean, lush loveliness! Everyone looks good in this! Especially when summering in the 80s! Wear it with your fanciest 2002 gladiator sandals! To a Save the Rainforest Party As Inspired by "Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest"! Ton Loc, what up! Because: This season... our buyer got IRONICAL. But not ironical in an awesome, Funky Cold Medina kind of way, apparently.

This is their COVER look:



So South American! So political! The perfect cut! Wear it! NOW!



Your choice! Mustard-floral swimwear, or tent-length wonder-dress!

Anthropologie: Officially for old people.