Kristen Stewart, An Apology

So we saw "Twilight" a while back. It was pretty hilarious. The best, as everyone already knows, is where Kristen Stewart walks into the science classroom and there's a well-placed fan, so her hair's all, AHHH! And she walks to her seat, and her mouth IS ALWAYS OPEN, and Kristen Stewart's gay boyfriend's like, SUPER COLD TO HER EVEN THOUGH SHE IS SOOOO HOTTTT??? And then she keeps her mouth open, because it is ALWAYS OPEN, and then she sort of salivates and moves her tongue around lustily inside her mouth, and lustily up against her teeth, while her tongue glistens inside her mouth, glistens with saliva and lust, and we were like, TOO MUCH MOUTH SCIENCE!

And then I saw that children on the internet had also noticed that Kristen Stewart, who is probably filed under "Rosetta Stone" in Paul Ekman's My Documents, has problems expressing emotion with the parts of her face that are not her open mouth. One internet person, who should have been doing her pre-calc and studying hard for her spring formal, did this, instead:



Which is not nearly as interesting as this, which, presumably, is the work of a separate internet person who has allowed her love of Jesus Christ to lapse in favor of thinking hard about Kristen Stewart:



Indeed, Kristen Stewart does appear to have the ability to close her mouth.

But then, yesterday, I saw "Adventureland." It is the kind of movie that makes forty-five-year-old movie critics say things like, "Yes, you've seen much of it before... But Stewart makes you care anyway. This, folks, is an actress" in response to this:



But then, during the seven minutes I gave a shit about Kristen Stewart and the great Open Mouth: Sexy or Creepy? debate, which occured about halfway through "Adventureland," around the time it was becoming clear that it's not ok to make fun of Kristen Stewart because there is clearly something wrong with her mouth function... and then I accidentally googled "kristen stewart mouth problem?" you know, just to see, and up came this page, at igossip.com.

"Kristen Stewart has a serious problem! *see photos this page

"Here is a photo of Kristen from when she filmed Twilight vs. how she looks now on Eclipse (pic with hat on). At the risk of being mean, something is wrong with Kristen.



"She looks so changed and has gained weight lately. This is highly strange considering that her looks are very important to her career and getting a chance to act in the future. Something is up with her and the warning signs are there.

Is anyone looking out for her?"

It was at this point that I realized, Kristen Stewart's mouth problem was always only subterfuge. Robert Pattinson's hair was always the interesting one.





SO INTERESTING!!! I can't wait to pay actual dollars to see him on the big screen!