Julianne Moore suspects that her husband, Liam Neeson, is cheating on her, because he misses the elaborate surprise birthday party she'd planned for him to go hang out with some girl student of his, who then texted him "thanks for the great time last night!"
So what does Julianne Moore, relatable everywoman, do? She goes out with Liam Neeson the next night to the symphony and a fancy dinner and shoots him questioning, hostile glances. Fair enough! Then she picks a fight with him on the way home. That's what I would do! I would pick a fight about the text message, I mean, and I would bring up Liam Neeson's ethical duties as a professor as well as his disrespectful-to-Julianne Moore behavior, and probably Trust Issues. Julianne Moore, however, picks a fight with him about how he was too nice to the waitress!
To which Liam Neeson replies, "Most people are so rude to service workers, so I try to be extra-friendly to make up for that."
This conflict (because the other conflicts are boring), sets the main theme of the movie (in my head). Which is interesting, because although I've seen indie movies for twentysomethings, and a few documentaries, focus on the Being Nice to the Help issue, fancy soft-porn movies for fortysomethings usually don't. And it's an important issue! So, who will win? The pretty lady who may have the morally superior hand in regards to her marriage, or the smiling old guy who is nice to service workers (ie, the world)? I hope you win, Liam Neeson!
So Julianne Moore, as you do, hires Amanda Seyfried, a sex worker, to tempt her husband to see if he'll try to sleep with her. Amanda Seyfried, for no reason, is like, Ok, Julianne Moore, you're so pretty and I really like you, so, ok! Julianne Moore's like, Why are you just a sex worker? That sounds so gross, and because I am paying you, I guess I am allowed to talk down to you about how you live your life? Amanda Seyfriend: I am definitely not in it for the money, and anyway, sometimes it brings awesome people like you into my life! Julianne Moore: Ew! Bye.
The next day, Liam Neeson tells Julianne Moore he loves her smile, so Julianne Moore decides to call off the whole stupid immature experiment. But Amanda Seyfried wants to keep hanging out, because she likes Julianne Moore's jerkface character, for no reason! So she tells Julianne Moore a long, soft-porn-graphic story about how she did it with Liam Neeson ("He kissed me and I could feel his excitement in his pants"). Julianne Moore's like, Oh no! Our marriage! But wait, all these details are turning me on and also making me feel closer to my husband! But the person in front of me's just a sex-service worker, so I'll just yell at her that I didn't tell you to do that!
So then Amanda Seyfried shows up at Julianne Moore's gynecology office - she is a doctor, and it's a huge corner office with floor to ceiling windows, and windows instead of walls separating the lobby from the exam room, which is exactly where I want to have my next pap smear. Julianne Moore has perhaps confused Amanda Seyfried with a psychopath, because I kind of did for a minute, because of other movies, and so she continues to treat her like a dirty servant. But then suddenly they're having sex? And it is way too graphic?
So Julianne Moore comes home late from the heteronormative lesbian sex scene with all of the nipples, and Liam Neeson's like, Are you having an affair?
Now Julianne Moore's sleeping on the plush leather couch instead of the double-king with pillowtop. She stares out the window - which is also kind of a like a mirror - and thinks about life. She goes to see Amanda Seyfried and says, This business transaction, which is was this was, is over! Amanda Seyfried's like, But I love you! Here are some flowers, and my mother's heirloom comb! I thought we had something special! But look, if you're going to treat me like a servant, then I'll blackmail you like one! Julianne Moore: Shut up, servant!
Julianne Moore has to save her marriage. So she calls up Liam Neeson and meets him at a fancy bar with lots of windows. He orders a coffee, and she says, to him, "I'm drinking cognac." He turns to the waiter and says, like a person, "And a cognac for my wife." NOW SHE'S TOO GOOD TO EVEN TALK TO THE HELP!
Julianne Moore: Let's be honest and save our marriage.
Liam Neeson: I hate getting older, so I avoided my birthday party. I went out and flirted with a student, because that made me feel younger.
Just as Julianne Moore's about to ask him about fucking Amanda Seyfried, Amanda Seyfried walks in. Julianne Moore stares at her. Liam Neeson says, "Who's that?" It is clear that Liam Neeson has not been fucking Amanda Seyfried. Julianne Moore: "Oh shit, I guess I accidentally hired a sex worker to see if you were cheating on me. And then I guess I slept with her, because it made me feel younger?" Liam Neeson: "?"
Although Julianne Moore is a dick to the entire service industry, Liam Neeson loves her or whatever, so they're going to be ok. She will be a dick, and Liam Neeson will be extra-friendly to the waitress/sex worker to make up for that. It's an ok message, I guess. Catharsis, yawn. But there are other loose ends to tie up! What will happen to the sex worker?!
Amanda Seyfried, in a very understandable and not at all cipher-y attempt to win back Julianne Moore, goes to Julianne Moore's house and fucks her son in Julianne Moore's bed. Julianne Moore comes home, finds them asleep in her bed, and yells at them. But Amanda Seyfried has her mother's heirloom comb and goes to stab Julianne Moore in the neck with it. Julianne Moore: What do you want? Amanda Seyfried: I want you to kiss me. Then Amanda Seyfried drop the comb, and Julianne Moore pushes her out the window! And Amanda Seyfried dies!
Next thing you know, it's the
The mind reels. The 90 minutes, it's Be Nice to the Service Workers! Look out behind you, Julianne Moore! Your lack of kindness is going to get you killed! Then suddenly, it's Don't worry, if you are fancy and pretty enough you can get away with murder.
This is a stupid movie.
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