Why do they keep going into the lake? (Did they all lose their cell phones, or is the island conveniently outside a service area? Are they all iPhone users? If not, are you still allowed to pretend that all of the cell phone service areas do not include rich-people islands? Really?) Why are there sharks in the lake? (I know, one of the boys says "It's a salt water lake." But still. Is there a sick genius behind this twisted scheme?) Why are they trying to trap the sharks? (If they don't trap the sharks, will something amazing happen that will kill them in an awesome way?) Where did they get those shark-week cages? (Sick genius provides, I'm sure.)
WHY IS THIS NOT AT THE REDBOX NEAR MY HOOOOOUUUSE?!?!?
I got Rise of the Planet of the Apes instead :(
**UUUUUPdate**
Shark Night is the BEEEEST! Guess what the plot is????
The plot is like this: Because "Shark Week" is so successful, three dudes (bumbling cop, scorned diver, idiot nutcase) figure out how to buy, transport, implant with cameras, and nurture all of the different species of sharks from all over the world in a single salt-water lake in the US. Makes sense, right? Their plan is to become rich off of youtubing footage of people getting eaten by sharks. Smart, right? Although this has been going on for three years, they have yet to upload any videos :(
And then here come the children! Their plan is to have a fun weekend tanning and waterskiing on some rich girl's parents' island. (I want that plan.) So the gang goes waterskiing, and the black guy (uh-oh!) gets his arm ripped off by a shark :( But don't worry, the shark doesn't eat the arm, but just deposits it somewhere near by so that the nerd (who, no duh, has all of the muscles) can quickly swim after it, to save it from being eaten I guess later on.
This is what is looks like when a shark eats your arm off (but lets you keep your sweatshirt):
This is what it looks like, hours later, without receiving medical treatment, when you find a spear I guess nobody else needed on the beach and decide to engage in hand-to-hand combat with a hammerhead shark:
If you're thinking that there's no way the shark could win, you'd be obvs correct :)
Don't worry, though, everyone but the nerd and his love interest definitely die in interesting and different ways :)
Only bad point was sorrow at that Donal Logue's "Terriers" got cancelled and made him be a weird character actor in stuff like this (he's the bumbling cop). Man I miss Terriers! That show was so good!
Anyway, Shark Night is awesome. As awesome as Final Destination 5, nee The Final Destination? Yup, sure is.
The first time I saw this movie, I saw it with dudes who loved it. They were all, Cool reference here, cool reference there, awesome visuals, etc. I was all, Scott Pilgram is a douche, and Edgar Wright has done ooof'd, AND IT'S WAY TOO EARLY ON MY DAY OFF TO SEE A MOVIE.
So tonight I Red Box'd it, because I really, really wanted to like it. Figured I'd missed something the first time around due to tiredness or the ubiquitousness of Michael Cera or something.
It turns out I missed the point altogether - maybe. After watching it the first time, and listening to the critical podcasts, I'd surmised that the landscape of the film was a kind of alternate universe in which video game battles are real. The second time around, it became possible to see the "battles" as the protagonist's projections: He's full of baggage (probably orphaned, unpopular, without real emotional ties to anyone excepting maybe his associations with his bandmates, recently cuckolded and broken-hearted), and feels an adolescent's need to think about his social tensions as physical fights. When he finds his new paramour also has baggage, instead of dealing with his insecurities and living in the moment, he feels a need to "fight" her exes in order to feel cool.
This reading makes me like the film - instead of a story about a boy who fights a bunch of people in order to be with a girl who has no reason to like him (nor he to like her), it finds a kid who's struggling to overcome his emotional handicaps and grow the fuck up. Rather than focusing on some guy in Billy Corgan's famous "Zero" t-shirt, it's about a nonchalant hipster who realizes he needs to gain some measure of self-respect in order to find the ability to feel anything real about another human being.
But then... Why does he gain self-respect by fighting his ex's baggage? Shouldn't he be fighting his own? And so... why are his ex and current GF fighting? Because they also feel the need to conceive of baggage as things to viscerally destroy, or because from Scott's vantage everyone feels this way, or is it because he just thinks it's cool to have girls fighting over him? And then... why do both girls team up to help fight the current girlfriend's baggage? And so... why does he have to fight himself after gaining self-respect?
Never mind. Either this movie's fucked, or I'm dumb. Either way, insert fart noise.
The thing about the show Sex and the City was, it was short. Sarah Jessica Parker wears something pretty. Then she notices something that makes her neurotic, cocks her head to the side, and types, “I wonder...” followed by some stupid question about what Women Over Thirty should have permission to feel, and then there's some more nice clothes, a naked butt scene, and a nice brunch where some ladies maybe crack a couple of jokes that People Over Fifty may think are shocking and witty, and then Sarah Jessica Parker figures out the answer to her initial question. (The answer, generally: Women over thirty are allowed to make their own rules! Sometimes it was just: We're all just fucked up, I guess!)
But it was cute, and light, and pretty clothes, and so very, very short, that it worked.
So then they made a movie, and it was too long and the clothes weren't as nice. And then, because of money and nostalgia, they made another movie, and it was way, way too long, and the clothes were almost without exception complete crap!
They forgot to learn their lesson the first time! Or during the six year run of the original series!
I watched the whole thing, though. Because, accidentally, it was amazing! It blew my mind! My mind was so blown that my head started to hurt!
Things that blew my mind in Sex and the City 2:
1) It starts out, all the ladies go to a beautiful wedding inspired by money and nostalgia. It's a wedding for two boys, so everyone makes jokes about how weird and “other” gay guys are – but that's ok, because they all have friends that are gay! But Kristen Davis makes a face, and tells everyone to shut the hell up. For a second, you the audience at home are like, Oops! – but then an actor playing a homosexual steps into frame and makes another gay joke. Never mind! Everyone laughs!
2) At the wedding officiated by Liza Minelli, Liza Minelli sings “Single Ladies!” And she dances really, really well! And her legs are so amazing! That part blew my mind in a great way! I'm going to watch that part again!
3) Everyone is happy! Now what? How about a deus ex machina?! So some girl comes up to Sarah Jessica Parker and says, like a creep, “I've read all your books! I really think I'm you!” Then, without segue, she asks if Sarah Jessica Parker would like the number for her surrogate pregnancy place. What? Why is the girl using a surrogacy place? She's like 25. Is that a thing now for rich people? Why? is that really a thing, or is that a lazy deus ex machina thing? That's so weird! And why did she bring that up? She finally meets her favorite sex columnist in the whole world and that's what she wants to talk about? Wait, is this going to turn into a SWFish thriller? Is she going to steal Sarah Jessica Parker's DNA and put it in a surrogate lady she's trapped in a basement?
No, that is not what is going to happen. What is going to happen is that the movie, much like the show, is going to purport to try to answer a question (What do you do with your life when you decide not to have kids?), but will instead answer an incredible vague question (What should I do when I feel crazy because I'm getting old and what is life all about?) with a generic answer (Make your own rules!).
4) Now all the ladies feel old. So they have brunch, and decide to talk about what keeps them young. It turns out, what keeps them young is jokes from a long time ago. Thighmaster! Vitamins! Spanx!
5) There's a Jude Law nanny joke. That is so old!
6) Cynthia Nixon's husband says, You should quit your job, so Cynthia Nixon quits her job. Which is crazy! Every single Miranda episode of the show was about the fact that that character hates her job but refuses to quit her job. Her mom died and she only took one day off! She broke up with everyone she dated because her terrible job came first! She had a kid and didn't take maternity leave! Her husband cheated on her because she worked too much at the job that made her crazy unhappy! Her only character trait, besides Red Hair, was Hates Her Job but Won't Quit It! But suddenly, she does, and it's fine.
7) Kristen Davis hires a nanny who's like a D-cup and she doesn't wear a bra and she keeps jumping up and down! I know this scene was for people's boyfriends, and to help the lady audience feel as insecure as the lady characters, but it just looked so painful! Stop jumping, D-cup nanny!
8) The lady from Mannequin's boyfriend from the last movie calls while she's masturbating in her office in front of her female secretary, of course. He says he's in Abu Dhabi to shoot a movie poster. And suddenly the movie has nothing left to do with reality. Unless Abu Dhabi is where they keep all the Photoshops.
9) Sarah Jessica Parker's husband buys her an expensive TV for their anniversary and mounts it so that it doesn't pull focus from the room she put so much time in decorating. He says it's so they can watch old romantic movies together. Awww! Wait, oops! That makes Sarah Jessica Parker so mad!
10) Sarah Jessica Parker's husband brings home take-out after work one day. That makes Sarah Jessica Parker so mad! She says, “Wait, you got take-out?” Then she storms out.
11) Sarah Jessica Parker continually refers to the loveseat in their apartment as a couch. It is maybe not technically a loveseat, but it is probably also not technically a couch. It is like at a point equidistant from how long a couch should be and how long a loveseat should be. I got distracted by this for a few minutes.
12) Penelope Cruz shows up at a fancy party. She works in a bank.
This movie makes me sleepy!
13) It turns out, Sarah Jessica Parker still pays rent on her old apartment, even though she now lives in what looks like a 3br/1.5ba. How much money do sex columnists make?
14) Just before bed, Sarah Jessica Parker likes to wear two bras and a negligee to brush her teeth.
15) Some VIP from Abu Dhabi meets the girl from Mannequin for about two seconds and immediately invites her to stay in his mansion with her friends, whom he hasn't met, at a time when he won't be there.
16) The girl from Mannequin shows up in the Middle East wearing a glitter turban and gold harem pants.
17) The girl from Mannequin sees an attractive guy and says, “Lord of the cute!” I forgot how weird the girl from Mannequin was.
18) So all the ladies are in Abu Dhabi, which is in the desert. They all wear the ugliest haute couture they can find to the outdoor market. Then, they're about to ride camels! So they have their servants set up a tent so they can change. Into even fancier dresses. None of which are attractive.
19) The girl from Mannequin sees an attractive guy and says, “Lawrence of my labia!”
There was some other stuff, but by the like thirtieth vaudeville aside from the girl from Mannequin, my head felt fuzzy and I kind of checked out. I snapped back together for the big save:
20) So the girl from Mannequin is going to get everyone killed because a hot flash made her start screaming and throwing condoms at everyone in the market. The people are so mad! But then the good women of Abu Dhabi save the Sex and the City ladies? They say, That's alright! Then everyone bonds over a shared love of Suzanne Sommers's nonsense vitamin cure for aging?
Then it ends! And I take an Ibuprofen and go to sleep.
Frued didn't know what women want, and had it generally wrong about what men want. Kurt Vonnegut, in I forget which book, wrote: "I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to. What do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything. What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn't get so mad at them." Sounds about right!
There's a new paper out from the Hoover Institution that cites several depressing facts about American men and women:
"In 1985, 10 percent of Americans had no discussion partner of any kind; by 2004, that number had increased to 25 percent. In 1985, 15 percent of Americans had only one person to talk to about a life problem, which even optimists call inadequate social support, since it makes a person very vulnerable to losing that lone relationship. By 2004, that number had increased to 20 percent. ... An estimated 20 percent of the population exhibits symptoms of anxiety and depression, and in some states the prevalence of symptoms is closer to 30 percent. An estimated 95 percent of Americans have low self-esteem."
In today's society of individualism and mobility, it becomes difficult to hold onto the ties of an extended family or religious group or to make stable new friend groups. The author believes this trend was exacerbated in the 1950s, when the rise of practiced psychoanalysis signaled the beginning of the organically-social's end:
"The caring industry weakens and may destroy the family by making it superfluous. If people have caring professionals to talk to about their personal problems, they don’t need relatives. They don’t even need authentic friends. Caring professionals may form the peer group of the future. ... As professional caregivers expand their presence in society, lay volunteers inevitably disappear. To make matters worse, some laypeople no longer see it as their role to volunteer, or to even help people in their own circle, thinking instead: “That’s what the professionals are there for."
Dun dun dun!
I'm sure the author, because he got published by ivy Stanford University's fancy Hooper Institution, probably has the figures to back up this fallacy argument. Were people pre-1950 happier and less anxious? Standardized testing isn't generally available for that population, but there must be specific groups, for instance schoolchildren or members of the military, that's happiness levels can be marked against those of a similar contemporary group. Or perhaps the author knows of a study in which a group was subjected to "professional" care-giving for a length of time, and afterward became less able to participate in "volunteer" care-giving. I am suddenly very interested in what studies like these would show! And how they would be designed to ferret out all the other factors involved!
I suspect, however, that the rise of individualism and mobility, especially when paired with new patterns of poverty and free time have done more to raise incidences anxiety and loneliness than have Frued and office couches.
Vonnegut: "Why are so many people getting divorced today? It's because most of us don't have extended families any more. It used to be that when a man and women got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to. ... When a couple has an argument nowadays, they may think it's about money or power or sex, not how to raise the kids, or whatever. What they're really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this: You are not enough people!"
Moreover, the rise of counting people's levels of happiness has probably contributed a lot to the present state of affairs. Just as autism levels seemed to suddenly sky-rocket due to our noticing them, so have incidences of unhappiness.
Rather than blaming the care-giving industry for attempting to help, I believe it may be more fruitful to find ways our society can re-establish some kind of more or less "organic"-ish social bonds. For instance, in what spaces can we create free and non-judgmental doings that may draw the lonely and anxious? How can we fund day centers in which people are encouraged to make friends with one another, and how can that even be encouraged? What I'm talking about is, I guess, how can we make the grown-up world more like a college dorm or summer camp? How about if we changed the emphasis from individualized care-giving to group vocational training? How about regular, widely publicized outings of fun-having and bond-strengthening for non-hipsters and for no fee? How about consciousness-raising sort of groups for everyone? How about AA/NA, but without the emphasis on problems?
How do we do this? The only thing I can think, is, we don't do it by abandoning the admittedly commercial bonds people do have. We do it by adding more kickball.
Is it ever ok for a movie to explain away terrible NONEXISTENT characterization of all of its characters except for maybe one (and that one's boring) by saying the characterization had to be nonexistent for the plot to work? I am trying to think of a time that that happened, and was acceptable.
How about a time when there were all these snowmobiles for SUCH A LONG TIME and the plot completely stalled so we could look at ALL THESE SNOWMOBILES and it was SOOOO BORING but it was ok? IT IS NEVER OK!
Julianne Moore suspects that her husband, Liam Neeson, is cheating on her, because he misses the elaborate surprise birthday party she'd planned for him to go hang out with some girl student of his, who then texted him "thanks for the great time last night!"
So what does Julianne Moore, relatable everywoman, do? She goes out with Liam Neeson the next night to the symphony and a fancy dinner and shoots him questioning, hostile glances. Fair enough! Then she picks a fight with him on the way home. That's what I would do! I would pick a fight about the text message, I mean, and I would bring up Liam Neeson's ethical duties as a professor as well as his disrespectful-to-Julianne Moore behavior, and probably Trust Issues. Julianne Moore, however, picks a fight with him about how he was too nice to the waitress!
To which Liam Neeson replies, "Most people are so rude to service workers, so I try to be extra-friendly to make up for that."
This conflict (because the other conflicts are boring), sets the main theme of the movie (in my head). Which is interesting, because although I've seen indie movies for twentysomethings, and a few documentaries, focus on the Being Nice to the Help issue, fancy soft-porn movies for fortysomethings usually don't. And it's an important issue! So, who will win? The pretty lady who may have the morally superior hand in regards to her marriage, or the smiling old guy who is nice to service workers (ie, the world)? I hope you win, Liam Neeson!
So Julianne Moore, as you do, hires Amanda Seyfried, a sex worker, to tempt her husband to see if he'll try to sleep with her. Amanda Seyfried, for no reason, is like, Ok, Julianne Moore, you're so pretty and I really like you, so, ok! Julianne Moore's like, Why are you just a sex worker? That sounds so gross, and because I am paying you, I guess I am allowed to talk down to you about how you live your life? Amanda Seyfriend: I am definitely not in it for the money, and anyway, sometimes it brings awesome people like you into my life! Julianne Moore: Ew! Bye.
The next day, Liam Neeson tells Julianne Moore he loves her smile, so Julianne Moore decides to call off the whole stupid immature experiment. But Amanda Seyfried wants to keep hanging out, because she likes Julianne Moore's jerkface character, for no reason! So she tells Julianne Moore a long, soft-porn-graphic story about how she did it with Liam Neeson ("He kissed me and I could feel his excitement in his pants"). Julianne Moore's like, Oh no! Our marriage! But wait, all these details are turning me on and also making me feel closer to my husband! But the person in front of me's just a sex-service worker, so I'll just yell at her that I didn't tell you to do that!
So then Amanda Seyfried shows up at Julianne Moore's gynecology office - she is a doctor, and it's a huge corner office with floor to ceiling windows, and windows instead of walls separating the lobby from the exam room, which is exactly where I want to have my next pap smear. Julianne Moore has perhaps confused Amanda Seyfried with a psychopath, because I kind of did for a minute, because of other movies, and so she continues to treat her like a dirty servant. But then suddenly they're having sex? And it is way too graphic?
So Julianne Moore comes home late from the heteronormative lesbian sex scene with all of the nipples, and Liam Neeson's like, Are you having an affair?
Now Julianne Moore's sleeping on the plush leather couch instead of the double-king with pillowtop. She stares out the window - which is also kind of a like a mirror - and thinks about life. She goes to see Amanda Seyfried and says, This business transaction, which is was this was, is over! Amanda Seyfried's like, But I love you! Here are some flowers, and my mother's heirloom comb! I thought we had something special! But look, if you're going to treat me like a servant, then I'll blackmail you like one! Julianne Moore: Shut up, servant!
Julianne Moore has to save her marriage. So she calls up Liam Neeson and meets him at a fancy bar with lots of windows. He orders a coffee, and she says, to him, "I'm drinking cognac." He turns to the waiter and says, like a person, "And a cognac for my wife." NOW SHE'S TOO GOOD TO EVEN TALK TO THE HELP!
Julianne Moore: Let's be honest and save our marriage.
Liam Neeson: I hate getting older, so I avoided my birthday party. I went out and flirted with a student, because that made me feel younger.
Just as Julianne Moore's about to ask him about fucking Amanda Seyfried, Amanda Seyfried walks in. Julianne Moore stares at her. Liam Neeson says, "Who's that?" It is clear that Liam Neeson has not been fucking Amanda Seyfried. Julianne Moore: "Oh shit, I guess I accidentally hired a sex worker to see if you were cheating on me. And then I guess I slept with her, because it made me feel younger?" Liam Neeson: "?"
Although Julianne Moore is a dick to the entire service industry, Liam Neeson loves her or whatever, so they're going to be ok. She will be a dick, and Liam Neeson will be extra-friendly to the waitress/sex worker to make up for that. It's an ok message, I guess. Catharsis, yawn. But there are other loose ends to tie up! What will happen to the sex worker?!
Amanda Seyfried, in a very understandable and not at all cipher-y attempt to win back Julianne Moore, goes to Julianne Moore's house and fucks her son in Julianne Moore's bed. Julianne Moore comes home, finds them asleep in her bed, and yells at them. But Amanda Seyfried has her mother's heirloom comb and goes to stab Julianne Moore in the neck with it. Julianne Moore: What do you want? Amanda Seyfried: I want you to kiss me. Then Amanda Seyfried drop the comb, and Julianne Moore pushes her out the window! And Amanda Seyfried dies!
Next thing you know, it's the funeral son's graduation gala. He stares forlornly toward the window his mother pushed Amanda Seyfried out of while Julianne Moore mingles with her fancy friends, wearing Amanda Seyfried's comb in her fancy up-do.
The mind reels. The 90 minutes, it's Be Nice to the Service Workers! Look out behind you, Julianne Moore! Your lack of kindness is going to get you killed! Then suddenly, it's Don't worry, if you are fancy and pretty enough you can get away with murder.
