Lost to the Future

So...

So the physicist wunderkind who was somehow involved with dangerous espionage thugs? This physicist says, "If you blow up the island with a hydrogen bomb, then the island will never have existed, and it won't make your plane crash, and you'll be just fine," and everyone's like, "Sounds about right"?

So then everyone works real hard to make sure the hydrogen bomb goes off, with no discussion at all, even a little?



And then the hydrogen bomb goes off, and it turns out that hydrogen bomb explosions, as everyone in the Marshall Islands knows, doesn't actually destroy anything, so much as it creates three alternate universes? In one universe, everything is CGI and the island is under water? In the next, everyone's still stuck on the island? And then there's one where the plane didn't crash, but the island's still there, above water-level?

And then, in the everything's-the-same universe on the island, Sayid's bleeding, and Jacob, who's dead, appears to Hurley, and gives him a guitar case, and tells him to bring Sayid to a special temple? And Hurley waits for like an hour for another friend to die and get buried, and then tells everyone about the Jacob thing? And everyone's like, "Right on"? And the medical doctor doesn't even try any CPR or anything, or even check Sayid out, until they've gotten him to the magical temple? Which they've never seen before? Because the Smoke Monster kept them from exploring the island? Wait, have they even checked its periphery? Because, remember from "Gilligan's Island," when they forgot to check the periphery, and it turned out they were really on Hawaii the whole time?


(Possibly Hawaii)

And then, in the temple, they meet some Chinese guy with a long beard who does bonsai and martial arts and relies on a magic hourglass, because that's what's up with all people of Asian descent?

And then Hurley gives the temple guy the guitar case, and it turns out it holds an ankh symbol, like in "Logan's Run," as in, "SANCTUARY"? Inside the guitar case is the symbol for sanctuary?



And the temple guy breaks the ankh and finds an ancient-looking scroll that tells him to help Sayid live? And then he drowns Sayid?

And then John Locke turns into the Smoke Monster or Man in Black (Johnny Cash?), and there are too many metaphors to make sense? And my head hurts from all of the attempting to make this show make sense?

And then, in the alternate reality at LAX, an entry-level customer service personnel lets Jack know that they've lost his dad's coffin, and they don't know when it's coming in, because they don't know "exactly" where it is?

And then Jack, a medical doctor, asks stranger John Locke why he's paralyzed, and it's irreversible, and the MD says "Nothing's irreversible"? And then they exchange names and Jack the doctor's all, "Nice to meet you"??? Oh shit! We're going to need a bigger CUSTOMER SERVICE OVERHAUL and BESIDSE MANNER and also HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION!!! (This guy's whole life, nobody's ever like, "Oh yeah, Locke, right, 'Some thoughts concerning education,' right on, heh heh, I bet you get that all the time"? Dude's name is JOHN LOCKE!)

And then, back in the other alternate reality, Jack the doctor is about to beat up some people with his mad academic doctor skills - namely his FISTS - when Sayid wakes back up, like hours later? And then



I fucking HATE this show.