DVD: "The Matrix"

“The Matrix” is the WORST. I finally got around to seeing it and, well, WTF? “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” was so much better than this.



But I'm trying to be more positive in life. So here are my favorite things about "The Matrix."

My favorite’s all the scenes where Lawrence Fishburn says things. Great voice!

My second favorite’s the scene where the baby British Krishna’s all, “There is no spoon.” Which concept Keanu immediately gets, it's way obvious, no duh. However, when it’s important, like when the train’s coming at him, he decides to forget that rule, and has to run away. Five minutes later, he’s all, “Wait, now it’s REALLY important,” so he remembers that rule – but the rule completely bores him, he’s so over that rule, YAWN, no fun to be had here!



Smile!

My third favorite’s where he’s never used any of his muscles but pretty quickly becomes JCVD. Only without being awesome.

My fourth favorite’s how there’s all these “Wizard of Oz” and “Alice in Wonderland” references, yet a) it doesn’t all turn out to be a dream, and b) it turns out Keanu really does need his ruby red phone call, and couldn’t go home all along. I love when dumb people make unstable references.

My fifth favorite’s how all the evil Ray Ban drones are all, “You’re guilty of every computer crime known to man.” In the future do they wait until you’ve done all of the crimes? Or were they just waiting for him to be contacted by Lawrence Fishburn so they could be all like, “What was it like working with Brando?” If the latter’s the case, why not treat him like he’s really important, and keep an eye on him so he can’t get the computer alien out of his stomach five minutes later? And then the evil guys turn out to be robots? Robots who get angry – and bear their British teeth – and then they get scared, and run away? Why would robots get angry or run away? Robots who can go through trains and come out unscathed, I mean – regular robots who cry and have relationships in the 1950s, I understand why they’d run away – cos they’re secretly metaphors for the Cold War.

My sixth favorite’s how at the end Carrie Ann Moss goes to kiss him back to life and it’s like, Whoa, it’s like a reverse/ultra-meta Sleeping Beauty... except just like that story, it’s the boy who does all the adventures and saves the day while the girl is all nurturing and barely kills anyone and wears a leather bustier because that’s comfortable?

My seventh favorite’s how we know the world has somehow shifted at the end because Keanu has adapted really good posture in the final scene. Seriously. Re-watch it, if only for the POSTURE MAGIC. (One of two scenes heavy on the shitty metal music? Because in the future shitty metal music from ten years ago becomes awesome? Because the Matrix makes us stupid. Right on, meta-style.)

My eighth favorite’s the leather and sunglasses, because, well, that’s pretty fucking goofy. Also the terrible underground leather clubs where cool kids come to party. That scene was the best.

My ninth favorite's the fact that people write theses on this movie and Baudrillard, and this movie and Foucault, and this movie at ALL. Because the philosophy’s so subtle, and insightful, and really needs extrapolation. “Get it, right, it’s like we’re ALL constRUED!”

My tenth favorite's that it's over. Yay, over!