LOST!!!

So it's out of focus, coming towards you slowly, gradually coming into focus... and then maybe it speeds up, coming towards you, because it's only in focus for a split second before it goes out of focus again, and then it's gone.



GENIUS!!!

I cannot WAIT for it to be aliens or otherwise sloppily resolved!!! Because, what could go wrong when you decide to blow up the past in order to save the future, because, the butterfly effect? (I hope Charlie comes back and his mariachi band is the most powerful army in Norway!)

Best. Show. Ever.

DVDs I saw last weekish

"Paranormal Activity." It's in the grand tradition of "Cabin Fever," "Blair Witch Project," and that one where there's sharks but the people keep arguing until the shark gets them and then you are happy. Yay, everyone is dead! But why not show the bloodbath? I WANT MORE BLOODBATH! Or just SOME! That was a very anti-climactic ending!

"Paranormal Activity" is also in the grand tradition of the Neckline Dictates Character truism/directorial laziness. For girls, I mean. In this movie, the girl, Katie, only wears scoop-neck sleevless tops with medium-width straps.



In this way we know that she's fun and naive and sexy-but-not-slutty (one inch less strap-width and we'd have a whole different picture). Katie, with her wife-beaters and boxer shorts and "my toenail polish is chipped, don't take pictures of my feet today" with her childish, submissive accent, even when she's arguing, and her readiness to just drop the argument, and her needing to be possessed by a demon before she can stand up to her stupid boyfriend and break his stupid fucking camera - she reminds me of a certain kind of girl I knew in college. Girls who didn't really express themselves very much, but knew what kinds of things they wanted to wear. Girls who really wanted to be The Girlfriend, and went tanning, and slept in their make-up, and had really boring boyfriends with really nice biceps, and everybody was nice to one another - unless some girl showed up looking slutty.

Every lady neckline tells a story. It's like in "Gossip Girl," where all the different girls have their own special decolletage. Have you noticed?

This is Blair:




This is Serena:



This is Vanessa:



Blair, in this way, constantly reminds us of her need to be in control, and her vulnerability is especially poignant when she does button down, or, you know, do a strip tease at her true love's burlesque parlor that he owns.

Serena, on the other hand, her whole moral dilemma, which she constantly bumps up against, is that although she is "hot," deep down she is really a "good girl." Difficult conundrum time! In the second season, she meets a guy who wants to have an open relationship, and she tells Blair she's cool with that, "you know I always wished I could live in the 60s." No-nonsense Blair is like, "You love the idea of sandals and peasant tops, but at heart you're a prude just like me." Blair ends up being right. In another episode, a super-cool model lady tells Serena she's too fun and hot to be held back by Blair's needs and moralizing, so Serena hits the town... only to discover that, at base, she is a homebody. A homebody whose glamorous neckline will forever get in her way of being the terrible, stilted character she really is.

Vanessa is a wanna-be boho whose dangly jewlery hide the most tedious neckline ever. So there's that.

I saw another movie recently, because it had Michael Cera in it. It was so boring, we had to rent it twice.



"Paper Heart" is all about whether its protagonist, Charlene, will ever believe in semantics. In this film, she barely speaks to the guy she likes, and mopes around various cities thinking about "love" and speaking to outtakes from the documentary portions of "When Harry Met Sally." Charlene's character wears high, sloppy necklines. She says, "I want to be his girlfriend, but I don't want to be The Girlfriend... I am one of the guys!"

Which makes sense. Why would you want to be a Girl, or hang out with any girls (Charlene exclusively hangs out with "dudes"), or wear shirts with detectable necklines, or even call yourself a Girl, if all the media kept telling you that girls are like Katie and Blair, and girl moralism is all coded in what you wear, and You Will Be Judged, and you'd better not veer off the path of Normal Girl Stuff, or else you'll end up in an Edith Wharton book, or sleeping with the junior senator of Serenatown.

Safer to be an expressionless "one of the guys" with no visible emotions, being terribly, terribly precious in your affluent creativity.

Whatever. I'm just saying:

Song: "Dead Flowers"

The Stones's Dead Flowers" is a direct response to Alanis Morisette's You Oughta Know".



Knowing nothing at all about what Jaggar etc meant by this song - which is fine, Death of the Author, etc - I have to say, this is the bitchiest song ever made.

Alanis: "And I'm here/ to remind you/ of the mess you left/ when you went away." Alanis is sending a message, and the message is, I WANT TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE CHAOS THAT IS OUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIP. I WANT DESPERATELY TO DISCUSS WHAT HAPPENED AND WHAT IT MEANT. I WANT YOU TO FEEL AS BAD AND AS RAW AS I FEEL. I WANT YOU TO BE REMINDED OF WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US, AND I WANT YOU TO DO SOME SERIOUS SELF-EXAMINATION. Mick: "You can send me dead flowers to my wedding/ but I won't forget to put roses on your grave." Mick's message: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

Why so angry and/or non-plussed? The song sort of opens the door to a political/class-based analysis. In the first verse, the idea first sprouted that the protagonist or his (lower) class had become degraded by the ex or her (upper) class: her "silk-upholstered chair" was placed in opposition to his "ragged company." Is this a message about revolution? Emphatically, NO. In the third verse, the narrative voice rambles, "Well, when you're sitting back/ In your rose-pink Cadillac/ Making bets on Kentucky Derby Day/ I'll be in my basement room/ with a needle and a spoon/ And another girl can take my pain away." In 1970, as today, pink Cadillacs and Derby bets may approach hipster cool, but not when adjoined: a person, especially a rich girl, in such a car, enjoying such a task, is not connoted cool. These things, when adjoined, may only suggest shallow bullshitery. The protagonist's use of heroin and random sex (esp. in 1970), however, does connote cool. While the vapid douche's out doing shallow things, psychotically sending out bad vibes to the awesome laid-back awesome-dude-narrator, the protagonist is chillaxing, fucking other girls, not caring what you think.

Is it possible that he's thumbing it to the establishment? No. Because the Establishment does not care who you're fucking, as long as you're not fucking the Establishment over. And this song does not inspire revolution.

I have nothing more to say about this.

Book: "The Elegance of the Hedgehog"

In every bookstore, even Powell's, perhaps especially Powell's, you'll invariably find this book in the STAFF RECOMMENDS section. It has a unique title, and a well-designed jacket. It's made of that same sort of matte material they used to make Vivid VHS boxes out of - so nice. And where did that precocious French girl get her boots?



And then you read it. Preferably where people can see you, because you know they've all seen it in the NYROB or on the EMPLOYEE PICKS shelf, and now they all think you're smart and awesome, good job!

It's like this: Don't you love it when there's a precious French setting, like a Parisian hotel, peopled with intellectual concierges, despicable food critics, and pre-teen solopists? And don't you love it so hard when the lonely hotel inhabitants, so disconnected from society, so much smarter and better than the outside world, get to ruminate at length about how much smarter and better they are?

It's the kind of book where we know that the lonely concierge and the lonely little girl are destined to be friends because each, separately, falls in love with a vague sense of Orientalism. (It's the kind of book where you feel smart for having seen the COMPLETELY BORING "Hiroshima, Mon Amor.")

It's the kind of book where everyone else is shallow, and greedy, and fake: Holdon Caufield territory. It's the kind of book where characters think not very hard at all about how good they are at Philosophy 101, and journal it out anyway.

It's the kind of book, essentially, where at the end one of the main characters dies, which leads another character to decide not to kill herself. It's the kind of book that starts out being all about a world of Hierarchy and Capitalism, and ultimately ends up being about the characters' Hope and Humanity.

No. Ultimately... it's the kind of book that makes you wish you hadn't paid $14.95 for it. Decision: Fail.

DVD: "Naked in New York"

Do not fault me for enjoying the early 90s. I was thirteen, and these were years, yes, years of Wonder. "Reality Bites" taught me how to be cool. "Singles" taught me how to love. "Empire Records" taught me how to glue quarters to the floor and roll my eyes as uncool people tried to pick up said quarters Good times!



"Naked in New York," "Annie Hall" called. It wants its dignity back. Also its plot, themes, wardrobe-centered motifs, and characterization. Everything since the release of "Annie Hall" wants its colorful whimsy-in-the-face-of-so-much-etc back.



"Naked in New York," you are terrible. People involved in "Naked in New York," you have made an awful decision. Is Daniel Argrant your drug dealer? What does he have on you that made you appear and/or star in "Naked in New York"? I mean, William Styron, really? Really?! Eric Bogosian? Kathleen Turner? More importantly: Mary-Louise Parker? Eric Stoltz? Did you forget you have talent, charm, and the ability to act? Most importantly: MARTIN SCORSESE PRESENTS? Jesus fucking Christ. This is the worst movie since "Funnny Ha Ha." Aside from Burroughs's "Naked Lunch," this is the worst thing ever made. It's worse than poop, and possibly even worse than "Singles," upon reflection.

DVD: "The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3"

You know what the problem with terrorists is? They're lonely! I know this, because at the beginning of this movie, the first shot of Travolta, the bad guy, coincides with the first audible words, which are: "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one." That's the only line from the song that we hear, and it's even replayed, a little later, also on top of Travolta's hard-guy face. Terrorists are people, too - people who just need love! :)



("I Need a Hero," says John Travolta. Denzel, his new best friend, will be that hero, even though they're on Opposite Sides Of The Law. Much like "Point Break," this will make complete sense, even as the two sky-dive for like twenty minutes as the director does approx. forty lines of medium-grade coke.)

You know who else are in constant need of peace, love and understanding? African-American males. Remember "Dark Knight"? There's a boat of felons, and a boat of WASPs, and the Joker tells each group they have like an hour to push a button and destroy the other group or both groups will die? And one strong, proud African-American male felon stands up... and throws the button overboard? And there's stirring music? And it makes you feel Proud To Be An American? And everybody gets to live? So, in "Taking of Pelham 123," there's this African-American male hostage on the train, and he's wearing a ring that means he was in the Airborne, and this white mother lady asks him if he has a plan for getting out of being a hostage, and he says no, he hasn't really thought about it. Later, John Travolta chooses the white mother lady to kill, but at the last moment the African-American male stands up to take her place, saying, "This is the only plan I've got." And Travolta shoots him. And he's never mentioned again. And the white lady doesn't appear worried about what's happened? The Joker says, "Why so serious?" while Elvis Costello croons, "What's so funny?" And African-American males are all tied up in the middle. Middle, here, signifies inane, manipulative, bullshit movies about heroism and the cult of personality (of insecure, unloved white males).

Besides that moment - and the scene in which Denzel calls his wife to let her know he's going into the tunnel to meet Travolra, and he's going to die, but he loves her and all, and she's like, "You do what you have to do. But we need milk. So when you get done, bring home a gallon of milk," and her voice breaks, and there's a tinny piano on the soundtrack, and he says yes, he will bring home milk after he gets done doing what he has to do - and, right, jeez, the scene in which Denzel's in the helicoptor with his new mentor, and he mentor surveys all that is before him, and says, "I love New York from this perspective. It reminds you of what you're fighting for" - besides all that, or probably due to all that - I HEART THIS MOVIE. It is the funnest movie of its kind since "Man on Fire" (alcoholism + Dakota Fanning = REVENGE!!!).

Plus, right before it, they play the trailer to "2012." How is Cusak going to get away with wearing a Clash t-shirt in this one? Who cares! The White House is demolished by a fucking two-by-two ARC (!!!) named after Kennedy! I HEART CGI!

DVD: "The Graduate"

This is so my favorite movie.



I've talked with lots of boys who like it because they think it's a great coming-of-age story about a guy trying to deal with a fucked-up, hypocritical society - and girls! (Which it is.) They think it's funny, and true. They really like the hero. I read a review once wherein the author focused a lot of attention on this one moment, early on, where Ben finally realizes what Mrs. Robinson's doing and calls her on it: "You're trying to seduce me... Aren't you?" The reviewer found that so excruciatingly hilarious, and tied it in with his own experiences. I think that "wait, is she into me?" moment is pretty universal for awkward boys, and probably helps boy viewers really connect with the Ben character. However, it is completely impossible for me to connect with the Ben character, because he is the stupidest, most boring, narcissistic character ever. He's essentially a less interesting version of Dan from "Gossip Girl." He's the worst.

Except that he's played by Dustin Hoffman, who is thinking that he is Charlie Chapman on autism. Before Ben loses his virginity - and it takes him forty minutes to do so - he's bumbling and up-his-own-ass and cute and shallow. For the first forty minutes, Ben isn't exactly likable, but he's kind of adorable. You can see why Mrs. Robinson would want to do him. But once he has sex, he gains confidence, becomes even more up-his-own-ass, and continues treating others like they're beneath him. His whole thing, with his parents, everybody, is like, "I'm young, I'm a college graduate, I'm smart enough to worry about my future while you're old and stuck and dumb, so I don't have to be nice to you." He's not even nice to Mrs. Robinson! There's a ten minute sequence following their first tryst where time passes while she walks around in different bras, getting ready for him, and he reclines, silently, waiting, thinking vaguely about politics and his future. Which is hilarious. We all know jerks like this, and a jerk with a soaring emotional soundtrack is a great conceit.

Then Ben gets even more lame! He starts interrogating Mrs. Robinson about how shitty her life is. Eventually she tells him she had to get married because she was pregnant. Ben's reaction is, "Well, I never thought of you and Mr. Robinson as the kind of people... Was he a law student at the time?" He keeps asking horrible, insensitive questions until he finds out Mrs. Robinson is a college graduate herself, who had been interested in art until she wound up stuck, married and pregnant and upper-middle class. Ben's reaction to this is to ask more horrible, insensitive questions about the Robinsons' sex life. The scene ends with him talking about asking Mrs. Robinson's daughter out on a date. "Well, why shouldn't I? I'm good enough for you but not good enough to associate with your daughter? You go to hell!" Mrs. Robinson is naked in this scene, by the way. It is always best to yell at people when they're literally naked, emotionally vulnerable, and lying down while you are dressed and standing and bigger than them. That's the best. The two do reconcile; Ben decides, aloud, that their argument was the result of their failure to connect - "Let's not talk anymore," he says.

And then in the very next scene, Ben asks Mrs. Robinson's kid, Elaine, out on a date! Mrs. Robinson is so mad, but instead of telling Elaine he is sick and can't go out with her, Ben decides to just drive really recklessly and then take Elaine to a strip club to humiliate her. She starts to cry, and then he starts to comfort her, and they talk about him, and have a good time. See? If Mrs. Robinson had just cried when Ben was mean to her, Ben would've felt like he had all the control and then he would've been nice. Ben being nice means him talking a lot about himself while you listen, preferably respectfully.

The talking thing is kind of interesting. With everybody but the two Robinson ladies, Ben is basically mute. Shh, he's THINKING. Shh, you're not good enough for Ben to even attempt communication. Shh, stop trying to control Ben by making him talk! In the first bit, Mrs. Robinson does try opening up to Ben, which he finds frightening. Then, because she's smart, Mrs. Robinson doesn't want to talk to Ben at all. Ben has to seize control of the situation by trying to force inappropriate conversation out of Mrs. Robinson - so he can fully understand her, so he can have the upper hand. In that scene, Mrs. R lets him get a little bit of information out of her - she's lonely, he's interested - but never lets his shitty personality get to her too much. She won't cry when he upsets her. She even gives him the perception of control: "Would you like me to leave?" she asks, humbly. But they both know Mrs. Robinson is fully in charge of their relationship. Elaine, however, is someone Ben can control: she's interested in him, and young, and vulnerable. She will cry. Which is why, in the space of like half an hour of meeting her, Ben falls in love with Elaine. Because, he's a prick. A hilarious, autistic prick!

Anyway, that night Ben takes Elaine to the hotel he always goes to with Mrs. Robinson! And then he breaks up with Mrs. Robinson and tells her he's going to start dating Elaine! And then everything goes to hell and Elaine finds out about Ben and Mrs. Robinson and cries again! And then Ben has a big think and listens to "Scarborough Fair," wherein the singer tells his friend to go see the singer's ex and "tell her to make me [things]," which will cause the ex to take him back. Of course! So Ben decides he's going to marry Elaine? "She doesn't know about it," he tells his parents, "It's a decision I've made." What are you thinking, Ben? Is that even what you really want? You barely know each other! No need to argue, parents just don't understand!

And so Ben moves to Berkley to stalk Elaine. And even though she's ecstatically engaged to some blond/bland collegiate ("How did he ask you?" "He said he thought we'd make a good team"), she hangs out with Ben and makes out with Ben and tells him she'll marry him. Of course? Because, they have such a great connection, what with her listening to him speaking all the time. Also, she's a genius. Also... he's really pretty.

So then Mr. Robinson breaks into Ben's apartment and waits for him to get home. When Ben gets in, Mr. Robinson asks if Ben resents him, and Ben says no. "But you don't respect me." And here's the big pay-off moment: Ben says, "No." Ben does not respect his oppressors. Ben hates everything his parents and their generation stand for. ESPECIALLY PLASTICS. Plastics are the worst, what with their corporations and conservative politics and OPPRESSION! So Mr. Robinson leaves, jumping over furniture, fearful of the winds of change that Ben represents. Hypocritical society is so easy to overturn, thank goodness!

So then there's the chase scene, and Ben finds Elaine right after she's said "I Do" to her whatever-beloved, the blond guy, and then, obviously, Elaine screams at her mom and runs off with Ben and realizes she's made a terrible mistake. Hurray!

This is the greatest movie ever made. Its quick edits, comic-book-to-movie edits, music-video montages with their big emotional swells, acting, everything - fucking "Home Alone"-times-fourteen with the quality. Anne Bancroft is beautiful and everything I want to be when I am thirty. Dustin Hoffman is the best actor ever (free pass for things like "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" FOR LIFE). Katherine Ross... has the best eyeliner of the past forty years. Everything is perfect. The only thing is, you should not, for any reason, like the Ben character. He is a satire! He is the worst! Except that he is the best, because he is in this movie.