DVD: "The Informant!"

Matt Damon's Mark "Corky" Whittaker is a happy, lucky, corporate guy. Colorful ties, tan suits. In his dealings with other people, Whittaker is affable, agreeable, persuasive. In his head, however, there's a running, diarrhetic stream of interesting ice-breakers he never uses; he's too familiar with the way conversations with his Boss, his Co-workers, even his Wife, should conform to really let himself go. (At one point, Whittaker thinks, "Polar bears cover their noses before they pounce on a seal. How do polar bears know their noses are black? Did they look in the water one day, see their reflection and say, ‘Man, I’d be invisible if it wasn’t for that thing'... That's a lot of thinking for a bear".)He's a creative guy, very interested in the details of what's going on around him; these, too, he keeps to himself, to his own eventual detriment.



Soderberg's "The Informant!" views Whittaker as a pathologically splintered individual. It's not until his job forces him to take on a third self, however, that his world begins to tip its axis. The film is the true story of a guy who, for no explicitly discernible reason, decided one day to expose his company's crimes, and then set out to single-handedly gather all of the intelligence needed to do so. Whittaker spied on and taped his bosses and the bosses of several other companies for two and a half years. In that time, he lost his ability to maintain an idea of objective reality.

But the character's reality too closely mirrors "real" reality for others to view him as suffering from "real" mental illness. Because he presents well, appears (for the most part) happy and engaged, and seems to mostly know what he's doing, we buy him as a "regular guy."

It isn't until a third or so of the way into the movie that it becomes clear that Whittaker's completely bonkers. He lies all the time, to everyone he comes into contact with, about everything, even when there's no reason to lie. The anecdote about the magazine story about the polar bear? Think about it for a second. He's lying to himself!

Whittaker's story could've gone tragic, or even tragicomic. But it didn't! It stays true to where its protagonist's at, and is a pretty happy little movie.

Thank you, nice movie! Smiley emoticon here!

Lost: The End

I am very proud of my Fruedian unconscious today, because last night, I had a dream where I figured out how they would tie up all the mysteries of "Lost." There was a narrative arc and everything! In my "Lost" dream, this is what happens:

First, the Muppets finally realized that the statue had been destroyed.



They were mad.



So they all came down to the island, wearing chain-mail. Not scary chain-mail, just Muppet chain-mail. And maybe they had a flag. And they were like, "Hey you guys! You broke our statue! And that was the only thing holding the moon in place!"



So then the moon fell down.



And then the Muppets got out of the spaceship and swam with the dolphins!



And probably sang the moon song:



But with the dolphins!

Because that is the only way to end "Lost" that would not make me really really up-tight about all the time I've wasted trying to make the mysteries add up and watching new mysteries appear and reading about how they're not going to tie up all the loose ends! If you're not going to tie up all the loose ends, just bring in the deus ex Muppets! Then everyone's happy :)

Anthropologie Spring 2010 cataVOMIT

Anthropologie's buyers have, this season, banked on the public's willingness to believe that The 80s Are Tacky Are IN, No Matter What. Welcome to Bizarro (UGLY) world:



Egregious. I mean, lush loveliness! Everyone looks good in this! Especially when summering in the 80s! Wear it with your fanciest 2002 gladiator sandals! To a Save the Rainforest Party As Inspired by "Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest"! Ton Loc, what up! Because: This season... our buyer got IRONICAL. But not ironical in an awesome, Funky Cold Medina kind of way, apparently.

This is their COVER look:



So South American! So political! The perfect cut! Wear it! NOW!



Your choice! Mustard-floral swimwear, or tent-length wonder-dress!

Anthropologie: Officially for old people.

Lost to the Future

So...

So the physicist wunderkind who was somehow involved with dangerous espionage thugs? This physicist says, "If you blow up the island with a hydrogen bomb, then the island will never have existed, and it won't make your plane crash, and you'll be just fine," and everyone's like, "Sounds about right"?

So then everyone works real hard to make sure the hydrogen bomb goes off, with no discussion at all, even a little?



And then the hydrogen bomb goes off, and it turns out that hydrogen bomb explosions, as everyone in the Marshall Islands knows, doesn't actually destroy anything, so much as it creates three alternate universes? In one universe, everything is CGI and the island is under water? In the next, everyone's still stuck on the island? And then there's one where the plane didn't crash, but the island's still there, above water-level?

And then, in the everything's-the-same universe on the island, Sayid's bleeding, and Jacob, who's dead, appears to Hurley, and gives him a guitar case, and tells him to bring Sayid to a special temple? And Hurley waits for like an hour for another friend to die and get buried, and then tells everyone about the Jacob thing? And everyone's like, "Right on"? And the medical doctor doesn't even try any CPR or anything, or even check Sayid out, until they've gotten him to the magical temple? Which they've never seen before? Because the Smoke Monster kept them from exploring the island? Wait, have they even checked its periphery? Because, remember from "Gilligan's Island," when they forgot to check the periphery, and it turned out they were really on Hawaii the whole time?


(Possibly Hawaii)

And then, in the temple, they meet some Chinese guy with a long beard who does bonsai and martial arts and relies on a magic hourglass, because that's what's up with all people of Asian descent?

And then Hurley gives the temple guy the guitar case, and it turns out it holds an ankh symbol, like in "Logan's Run," as in, "SANCTUARY"? Inside the guitar case is the symbol for sanctuary?



And the temple guy breaks the ankh and finds an ancient-looking scroll that tells him to help Sayid live? And then he drowns Sayid?

And then John Locke turns into the Smoke Monster or Man in Black (Johnny Cash?), and there are too many metaphors to make sense? And my head hurts from all of the attempting to make this show make sense?

And then, in the alternate reality at LAX, an entry-level customer service personnel lets Jack know that they've lost his dad's coffin, and they don't know when it's coming in, because they don't know "exactly" where it is?

And then Jack, a medical doctor, asks stranger John Locke why he's paralyzed, and it's irreversible, and the MD says "Nothing's irreversible"? And then they exchange names and Jack the doctor's all, "Nice to meet you"??? Oh shit! We're going to need a bigger CUSTOMER SERVICE OVERHAUL and BESIDSE MANNER and also HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION!!! (This guy's whole life, nobody's ever like, "Oh yeah, Locke, right, 'Some thoughts concerning education,' right on, heh heh, I bet you get that all the time"? Dude's name is JOHN LOCKE!)

And then, back in the other alternate reality, Jack the doctor is about to beat up some people with his mad academic doctor skills - namely his FISTS - when Sayid wakes back up, like hours later? And then



I fucking HATE this show.

DVD: "The Matrix"

“The Matrix” is the WORST. I finally got around to seeing it and, well, WTF? “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” was so much better than this.



But I'm trying to be more positive in life. So here are my favorite things about "The Matrix."

My favorite’s all the scenes where Lawrence Fishburn says things. Great voice!

My second favorite’s the scene where the baby British Krishna’s all, “There is no spoon.” Which concept Keanu immediately gets, it's way obvious, no duh. However, when it’s important, like when the train’s coming at him, he decides to forget that rule, and has to run away. Five minutes later, he’s all, “Wait, now it’s REALLY important,” so he remembers that rule – but the rule completely bores him, he’s so over that rule, YAWN, no fun to be had here!



Smile!

My third favorite’s where he’s never used any of his muscles but pretty quickly becomes JCVD. Only without being awesome.

My fourth favorite’s how there’s all these “Wizard of Oz” and “Alice in Wonderland” references, yet a) it doesn’t all turn out to be a dream, and b) it turns out Keanu really does need his ruby red phone call, and couldn’t go home all along. I love when dumb people make unstable references.

My fifth favorite’s how all the evil Ray Ban drones are all, “You’re guilty of every computer crime known to man.” In the future do they wait until you’ve done all of the crimes? Or were they just waiting for him to be contacted by Lawrence Fishburn so they could be all like, “What was it like working with Brando?” If the latter’s the case, why not treat him like he’s really important, and keep an eye on him so he can’t get the computer alien out of his stomach five minutes later? And then the evil guys turn out to be robots? Robots who get angry – and bear their British teeth – and then they get scared, and run away? Why would robots get angry or run away? Robots who can go through trains and come out unscathed, I mean – regular robots who cry and have relationships in the 1950s, I understand why they’d run away – cos they’re secretly metaphors for the Cold War.

My sixth favorite’s how at the end Carrie Ann Moss goes to kiss him back to life and it’s like, Whoa, it’s like a reverse/ultra-meta Sleeping Beauty... except just like that story, it’s the boy who does all the adventures and saves the day while the girl is all nurturing and barely kills anyone and wears a leather bustier because that’s comfortable?

My seventh favorite’s how we know the world has somehow shifted at the end because Keanu has adapted really good posture in the final scene. Seriously. Re-watch it, if only for the POSTURE MAGIC. (One of two scenes heavy on the shitty metal music? Because in the future shitty metal music from ten years ago becomes awesome? Because the Matrix makes us stupid. Right on, meta-style.)

My eighth favorite’s the leather and sunglasses, because, well, that’s pretty fucking goofy. Also the terrible underground leather clubs where cool kids come to party. That scene was the best.

My ninth favorite's the fact that people write theses on this movie and Baudrillard, and this movie and Foucault, and this movie at ALL. Because the philosophy’s so subtle, and insightful, and really needs extrapolation. “Get it, right, it’s like we’re ALL constRUED!”

My tenth favorite's that it's over. Yay, over!

Pursuit o' Happiness

I was reading Rob Harvilla's Village Voice piece on the inscrutability of Phoenix's lyrics:

I am still happily incapable of extracting a single coherent lyrical thought from Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. Thomas Mars might as well actually be singing in French... The fuck is a meteor tower, and why is it overrated? How do you tease someone with underage? "The octagon logo had to rip it up"? And, seriously, jugulate?

...and I realized, all the songs that make me happiest are completely independent of their lyrics. (However, all the best sad or angry songs are strongly tied to their lyrical content.)



You ever listen to the actual words to "Hey Yeah"? Me neither, til I accidentally did a couple of weeks ago. Before the insane part everybody remembers ("Lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor!" and "Shake it like a Polaroid picture!"), it's pretty fucking dark.

My baby don't mess around
because she loves me so
and this I know for sure.
But does she really wanna
but can't stand to see me
walk out the door.
Don't try to fight the feelin'
because the thought alone is killing me right now.
Thank god for mom and dad
for sticking too together
'Cause we don't know how.

You think you've got it.
Oh, you think you've got it.
But got it just don't get it
Til there's nothing at all.
We get together.
Oh, we get together.
But separate's always better
when there's feelings involved.
If what they say is "Nothing is forever"
then what makes love the exception?
So why are we so in denial
when we know we're not happy here?

Y'all don't want me here you just wanna dance.

Extra hugs for Andre 300 stat!!!

At the extra-jubilant end of the song, Andre 3000 asks the boys what's cool, and then asks the girls to shake it, completely up-ending the earlier earnestness of the song; he knows we'd like to not hear about his pain, but would rather listen to echoes of masculine bravado and feminine sexuality. Which is pretty fucking sad.

Evidence B in the happy-music-isn't-happy debate: Of Montreal's "For Our Elegant Caste":

Our bodies became what has been him so really turned off -
became a freaky permutation -
something like voltron.
Then I was wrapped in discourse with the magazine reader.
The mutual conclusion was I'm not worth knowing
cause I'm probably dead.
So I'm exposed but no solution
La la la la!

The fuck is that about?

Who cares, long as it makes me dance a little while I'm walking to the breakfast place with the really good spinach eggs?

DVD: "Jennifer's Body"

Ok, so Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried are "biffs," with Claire's necklaces to prove it? And some evil rock band comes and (spoiler?) tries to sacrifice Megan Fox for money, but then it turns out Megan Fox isn't a virgin so the demon they're calling gets to live inside her body? Which pretty much makes her a vampire who needs to kill people to suck up their blood so she can function and go to the spring formal and all?



And when Amanda Seyfried figures it all out, Megan Fox comes over to her house and makes out with her? And Amanda Seyfried's all like, cool, let's make out, with lots of close-ups of our tongues, because apparently I am a lesbian? And then all of a sudden, Seyfried's like, Whoa, "what's going on?" And Fox is all like, "I was reverse-sacrificed, so now I have to suck blood, etc"? And then Seyfried goes over to her boyfriend's house, and has sex with him, whilst Fox lies in wait for Seyfried's emo friend, who shows up and then Fox seduces/eats his stomach? And then Seyfried dumps her boyfriend? And then Fox eats Seyfried's boyfriend? And then Seyfried's all, "You were never a very good friend"? And then Seyfried puts a stake through Megan Fox's chest, and Fox is all like, "My tit?" And Seyfried is all like, "No, your heart"? Because girls get confused about the meaningfulness of anatomy? Because anatomy is destiny? And then Fox (and the demon) dies, and then Seyfried goes to a mental health hospital/jail, and then she escapes, and then she kills the evil rock band? And this is supposed to be awesome and insightful and feminist?

It is not awesome. Except for the part where the evil rock band sings "867-5309" right before they begin stabbing Jennifer's Body. That part is hilarious!!!